Let’s face it, watching Eurovision is a waste of your brief existence so do something better
The Eurovision Song Contest is crap. There, I’ve said it. The songs are appalling – if any of them came on to the radio, you’d be dialling to another station.
And the “so bad it’s good” argument is rubbish. It’s just bad so don’t fall into the trap of watching it on Saturday night from a lack of anything else to do.
If you really must watch this dreadful show, we have some Eurovision tips for you. But otherwise choose from these 10 things instead:
1) Go to the pub. And have a pint. Have another. Knock yourself out and scoff a bag of pork scratchings. Just as long as the dreaded Eurovision is not being shown.
2) Have a game of scrabble. With friends, family or even people you don’t know (online). You can even use the words LOLZ and EMOJI these days (no really).
3) Sort out your fantasy football team. One final throw of the dice for the last Premier League round of matches. Time to throw in a Leicester striker in a vain attempt to win your Super League?
4) Become an expert on wine. Buy half a dozen different bottles and spend the evening sniffing, gargling and quaffing. Before collapsing in a heap on the sofa in a drunken stupor.
5) Go for a curry. A Saturday night curry, now you’re talking! Get the poppadum and pickle tray on the go before your favourite curry and a family-sized naan bread. Eurovision schmeurovision!
6) Read a book. Lose yourself as Eminem once rapped. And improve your vocabulary.
7) Learn to play the guitar. If you’ve got a guitar lying around. YouTube will provide lots of valuable free starter lessons.
8) Go for a Saturday night walk. Burn those calories, be at one with nature. Cross over the road if you see trouble. Run if they start chasing you.
9) Watch two films. At midnight, you can either switch off the TV and say “Eurovision was shit again” or you can say “those two films were a great watch” – which is it to be?
10) Have a nice hot bath and relax. It will do wonders for your muscles and help you to slow down after what might have been a hectic day.
All odds were correct at time of posting.